yasipedia #6: my journey to becoming a TikTok girlie, playlists 4 u, and the Bandsplain Draft of 2002
I avoided it as long as I could but what can I say that algo finally clicked into place and gave me what I really want to see: beautiful bimbos with long fake nails locking eyes with me through the screen, imploring me to get ready with them while they (insert whatever). I love them and I would die for them. Especially the British one with alopecia and this girl for this video alone:
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The downside is I will pretty much buy anything they tell me to and have already started to do this (RIP bank account) so I made this little list to offer the most devoted of reply guys an opportunity to buy it all for me. We have fun here! Anyway here I am at almost 41 years old finally learning how to apply make-up from 24 year old hoes across the pond and you know what? God’s plan.
But this is not exactly the TikTok girl I hope to be. I aspire more to be the kind who sits in the parked car outside of Target, full face of make-up and sweatpants on, my beautiful nails wrapped around a venti Starbucks, shaking the ice in a mesmerizing fashion while I tell you (whatever I tell you). I’ll get there…hopefully before the whole app is banned…watch this space etc.
And because what is a Substack if not a place to shill (and debase yourself, tied together really) I’m here letting you know that I decided I’m going to do this for a while, on and off, time permitting. For 50 American dollars (I had to raise the price after the first batch because I grossly underestimated how long it takes to make one of these, this is ART bitch) I will make you a custom playlist for yourself, a lover, a friend, a person you hate, the mailman for Christmas, whatever. I just put up 10 more if this interests you. It’s like my version of doing Cameos but less humiliating (arguably).
BANDSPLAIN DRAFT: THE YEAR 2002
First of all let me just be clear that I knew going into this one that I was absolutely going to lose but that there is more honor in losing with honest, heartfelt choices than winning through pandering. 2002 was an insane year where, as I mentioned in the episode, the vibes were absolutely the fuck off BUT there were also more undeniable full-on banger pop songs than I expected (we all had to make our deals with god but I assure you leaving Nelly “Hot In Herre” on the table was difficult for all of us).
Chris Ryan almost had it in the bag with the mere mention of Interpol but according to our Twitter poll, Rob “The Most Beloved Man In America” Harvilla won the draft, and without being a sore loser I must point out that I imagine he had MANY of you at hello with the Mountain Goats and then easily clinched his victory with the Josh Homme bait. Also I do feel that not voting for my list was homophobic (I won’t explain further).
Here’s me in 2002 drunk on Malibu rum (probably) wearing an ill-fitting Gucci bucket hat and a Juicy Couture zip up hoodie (please note the belly button piercing and low rise Diesel jeans) laying in a field (????).
We really upset this man it seems.
Anyway I think CR and Rob are at least sort of sorry they didn’t draft W*lco but guess what bitch I am NOT. Go tell it to a wall!!!!
More importantly HERE is a link to the Super Bowl halftime show that healed a nation and above is the absolutely iconic piece of CINEMA that is David LaChapelle’s music video for “Dirrty” by Christina Aguilera featuring Redman.
Also for those wondering I did manage to secure raw milk in upstate NY after making my new brand new friend who I had met the literal day before drive me 40 minutes to a farm in New Paltz with a 24 hour dairy shed (thank you Rob Ross!!!)
I have to go now because it’s time to look at Tik Tok til my eyes bleed. Until next time…
Next week…we will be walking into spiderwebs…my first piece of original bimbo Tik Tok content…dispatch from the Porn Hub party…and more