Happy Friday. Bandsplain’s Madonna month (which was actually six weeks long my bad) has finally come to a close with a beautiful mailbag episode featuring the two most important gay men in my life, my mother and . I have emerged, bleary eyed and insane, back into the world, which due to my algorithm and personal tastes, is still about 75% Madonna content. And I do like it that way.

Because even though the doors are wide open, I cannot leave Madonna jail. Here for your pleasure, are my five favorite arcane little stories that emerged from my weeks and weeks of Madonna research:

Madonna in 1981, photographed by Edward Acker

1. Madonna (most likely) dated Michael Gira of Swans

And I’m going to prove it here! Let’s get into it:

Thurston More told The Guardian in 2018: “We were neighbours. We knew each other, by sight. She would say hi to me and I would say hi to her. She was dating a friend of mine for a millisecond, so we were introduced that way and then, through the years, when we’d cross paths on the street, we’d nod heads and smile.”

Per Thurston Moore in this article: Madonna was briefly in the Spinal Root Gang with Dan and Josh Braun who were in a band called Circus Mort with Michael Gira (Dan Braun would go on to play in Swans) “Nobody really knows about that part of her history; she was in a pre-Swans no wave band!”

Circus MortThis part is definitely true. Josh Braun spoke about it on a podcast in 2017:

“There was a building called the Music Building and our band Circus Mort rehearsed there…we were in 901 and the the band in 906 that moved in was called Emmy with a singer named Madonna. She came and knocked on our door one day…everyone immediately had a crush on her And she suddenly became a friend of ours…you know, another kindred spirit musician.”

He goes onto talk about how they realize after a bit that she is randomly living with his dad Saul Braun (at 270 Riverside Drive) in the room he and his twin brother grew up in. (Her manager at the time Camille Barbone knew Saul Braun and had put Madonna there).

This 1981 Madonna def looks like she would have dated Michael Gira

The Spinal Root Gang was actually a Braun family band, in which Saul Braun played sax, and with Madonna now in their lives, he wanted to start it up again with her as the singer. Madonna and Dan Braun had written two songs together, and they recorded one as a demo while Saul was out of town.

The song "We Live in a House", written by Josh Braun, Janis Galloway and Madonna in 1982, was sent for US copyright registration (# PAu-1-843-482 if you need the receipts). That’s a misspelling of Janice Galloway, who was Madonna’s friend and maybe briefly her roommate? In Mary Gabriel’s book she is mentioned as the friend who Madonna arranged for her brother Christopher to stay with when he first came to NY. Anyway apparently Madonna had asked if Janice could be in the band too, hence the writing credit.

Sample lyric: "We live in a house, and people just don't care. We live in a house, they don't go anywhere." Madonna screams at one point: "You can't come into my house." This demo existed but is completely lost as far as I know. They never recorded the second song because Madonna got signed to Sire.

In 2018, Jonathan Tessler, percussionist for Swans in 1982, was interviewed for the book Sacrifice And Transcendence: The Oral History of Swans by Nick Soulsby, and he mentions Gira and Madonna’s relationship (as well as his insane-sounding apartment):

“Mike’s apartment had been a Spanish Iglesias, which the local Puerto Rican or Dominican immigrants used for Sunday services and Bible meetings… When Mike took it over it was stripped of furniture – the only things left were lighting, power sockets, then all four walls were covered in shipping blankets and large old commercial egg cartons for soundproofing… When he was dating Madonna I remember the two of them, for at least a couple of weeks, living in that part of the space – there was a bedroom alcove made by the addition of a hanging curtain.”

That aforementioned apartment (pictured here) also became Swans’ practice space

In 2019, Gira was interviewed and asked about Madonna:

PKM: And you shared a rehearsal space with Madonna, I understand.

Michael Gira: Yeah, that was at The Music Building which was on 8th Avenue and 36th. Everybody rehearsed there. I knew her in those days, she was quite something. She was a really vibrant person and very good at getting her way (laughs) as she was pretty interesting.

PKM: Yeah, I can imagine.

Michael Gira: And smart.

PKM: Yeah, she seems like she’s really clever. It’s such a trip that she was part of the No Wave scene.

Michael Gira: No, I wouldn’t say she was part of the No Wave scene. She had her own goals. And rightly so. Good for her!

(Please Kill Me )

What else?

In his 2023 book Sonic Life, Thurston Moore explicitly said they dated:

And lastly:

In a YouTube interview from March of this year, Jarboe, who was in Swans from 1985 to 1997, was asked about 1995 Swans album The Great Annihilator and she said

“I think there’s a song on there, “Celebrity Lifestyle,” which is referencing, it’s pretty obvious when you hear the lyrics, someone that he dated for a while who became a big pop star….”

I rest my case.

2. Peter Hook offered her fifty quid for a private dance.

The Joy Division and New Order bassist was backstage at the Haçienda in Manchester 1984, after her performance on The Tube (her first live show in the UK). She told him to fuck off.

Shaun Ryder of the Happy Mondays was also there that night. He told The Mirror in 2022 ““I was there on that night in 1984 when Madonna played as well. She wasn’t that well known outside New York but the Haci was styled on that New York scene, so it made sense for her to play there – it was like playing a gig in a warehouse in New York, and that was the idea.”

3. She posted a special AOL message for the “cyberheads.”

To promote “Secret”, the first single off 1994’s Bedtime Stories, Madonna took to the web. She posted an audio only message via AOL that went like this:

“Hello all you cyberheads. Welcome to the 90s version of intimacy. You can hear me, you can see me, but you can’t touch me. Do you recognize my voice? It’s Madonna. Often imitated but never duplicated. Or should I say often irritated. If you feel like it, you can download the sound file of my new single "Secret", from my new album, "Bedtime Stories", which comes out next month. I just shot the video in New York, and will be premiering an exclusive sample of it online. So check back soon. In the meantime, why don't you post me a message and let me know what you think of my new song. And by the way, don't believe any of those online imposters pretending to be me... ain't nothing like the real thing. Peace out.”

The “never duplicated” part refers to a trend of people imitating her in AOL chatrooms (were we ever so young!!!). It’s also sampled in this (pretty fabulous) GHV2 Megamix by Thunderpuss.

4. She did a public AOL chat with Anthony Kiedis

As part of the Confessions on a Dance Floor promo, 2005, under the screen names MadonnaKonfesses and RHanthonyCP, Madonna and Kiedis got into it about her inspirations, krumping, John Travolta being hot, Madonna clears up what “Isaac” is about, Anthony Kiedis thinks her “Hung Up” leotard is red, and so much more. We really, truly used to be a proper country.

You can read it here in full.

Candy Darling on Her Deathbed by Peter Hujar

5. “Hung Up” was originally written for an aborted sci-fi time-travel musical biopic about Candy Darling.

Madonna had apparently pitched Luc Besson a film about a woman on her deathbed reliving a life she never actually lived, time-traveling through different eras. And not just any woman, but Candy Darling, the Warhol superstar who passed away in 1974. At the very least the fact it’s fairly certain that Madonna wanted to (and got close to) playing Darling in a film is true. There are multiple news stories about the rumored casting from 2005. Madonna is a longtime fan of Peter Hujar. She included his photo in her Celebrations tour and Hujar’s master printer, Gary Schneider, did the printing work for Madonna’s 1992 Sex book.

Stuart Price recalled in an interview back in 2005:

Madonna was doing a movie at the time with [film director] Luc Besson, that didn’t materialise, which was going to feature music from different generations – a punk rock era, a ’20s era, and a disco era. So she asked, “Do you have anything that is like ABBA at Studio 54?” Originally, I said no.

Anyway allegedly Luc Besson sent back a 300-page script, she didn’t like it, so the musical died — but the ABBA sample and song they built around it, “Hung Up” absolutely lived and thank fucking god. (“I Love New York” was reportedly also written for the same Candy Darling project).

5. Madonna once covered Elliot Smith

She performed “Between the Bars” at the premiere of her short film Secret Project in New York at the Gagosian Gallery in 2013. Can you imagine if she had covered like, Songs:Ohia? Bye.

Listen to all of the Madonna month episodes here.

Let me know if you want a round 2 of these or if you think I should seek professional help.

Madonna almost certainly dated Michael Gira…